Let’s be real. Some of you may have reached your wits end with me because once again I’m NOT making any sense, I’m freaking out about nothing, I’ve yelled at you for the past hour because you told me to be quiet and it hurt my feelings, you’ve listened to me go on about how I’m PMSing for the past…month, and you made a communist joke about a country in Eastern Europe and I lost my crap. Welcome to being my friend. Glad you joined us for this therapy session. Let’s get started.
For real though, being friends with me isn’t always easy. And I’m going to just take a wild guess and assume that I’m not the only friend you can’t handle. It happens. So I thought I’d just take the time to explain to you what is really going on inside my head…or anyone’s head with anxiety for that matter. And help you hear what I’m trying to say when I’m crying in your car because we drove by roadkill and you laughed.
Some things you should know:
- I’m NOT making sense because MY world doesn’t make sense
I really, really, really want to believe that God has a plan and that everything happens for a reason. But honestly, right now, it doesn’t feel like that. I don’t know what God wants from me. And frankly, I don’t know what YOU want from me. So yeah. I’m NOT making sense. I can’t make heads or tails of me either.
2. I’m actually freaking out about something.
But I can promise you, it has nothing to do with what I’m freaking out about on the outside. If my lipstick is gone, its not all your fault. I’m probably upset about something you said about me three hours ago that I didn’t realize was really important to me and now my mind is freaking out and therefore… you get a free freak show. You’re welcome.
3. It is ALWAYS a bad idea to tell me to be quiet.
I don’t care who you are, or how loud I’m being. I really good way to see my anxiety eat you alive is to tell me to be quiet. I’m going to let you in on every loud, partying, superexcitedallthetime person’s secret. I’m loud cause I’m scared. Its a defense mechanism you’d be better off leaving alone until the Lord deals with it. Unless I am bursting your eardrums (its possible), than telling me to be quiet is a bad idea. Just think to yourself, “What is Sarah ACTUALLY trying to yell here?”
4. I’m not actually PMSing…I’m just this fat all the time
It’s funny because its true. Between three rounds of antibiotics, antidepressants, anti-mucus stuff, that thing you spray up your nose and the occasional essential oil, I have no idea what belongs to my body anymore.
Something true about anxiety is that you really loose touch with who you are physically. So much about how you look and feel can change and its kinda unnerving. Yup, I’m insecure about my body. Mostly because in the last three months it hasn’t decided who it wants to be yet. My fricken body is having an identity crisis: “I want to be a marathon runner, no wait, I want to be depressed, just kidding. I want to be FAT.”
5. Communist jokes aren’t funny
Being mean isn’t funny. I know it feel like a small deal for you, but it’s a big deal for me. And if being a nice person isn’t enough motivation to keep your sexism to yourself, my hand across your face might do it. And I slap hard. All those crazy hormones? Yeah the ones I just talked about back there? They work like super-spider venom. Just don’t be a jerk and I won’t get impulsive. Deal? Deal.
And finally, I cry because there’s a lot of pain in my life right now that I don’t want to deal with. The fact that you laughed, or I really like raccoons, or maybe the dead animal had a family, whatever, it made me loose it, and I’m so sorry you had to be there to see it. When you have any kind of mental disorder you get really good at hiding and hording. When something opens the floodgates, doesn’t matter what it is, its always going to be a mess.
Maybe someday I’ll write a post about how to survive a panic attack or a really long weeping session like the one I just described. But for now I just want you to know that no matter how messy and complicated I (or any of my other friends with complex mental…specialties) can be, it’s important that you trust our feelings. Please don’t judge me. Please don’t misunderstand. Just be there. After all, that’s what God does for us. He kneels with us in the Garden of Gethsemane and weeps with us. Which is much better than “dealing” with us anyways. 😉