When people told me transitioning back to life in the States would be hard, I thought they meant I would want to be back in Guatemala. Well its been 6 weeks since I’ve been back and I don’t necessarily want to be in Guatemala…but I do definitely feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I feel misplaced and misunderstood.
People keep asking me to do things and I’m like, “Do you know who I am? Because I don’t. What things do I normally do. Do I do things? I don’t remember.” That’s how I feel all the time. I can’t remember who I am or what I’m supposed to do. I mean, I know who I was…and I know who I am…But I’m not sure where they go together.
Lately I have been living inside of Psalm 26:11 –
But as for me, I shall walk in integrity;
Redeem me, and be gracious to me
Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do people will misunderstand and misinterpret what I do. And in those moments, I feel like in order to make sure nobody gets their panties in a wad, I have to fit back into the box that people want to put me in. But integrity is all about choosing to be who God called us to be even when it means being misunderstood.
I can choose to be a different person every time I feel uncomfortable. OR I can choose to walk in integrity and trust the graciousness of God to fill in the gaps.
Its really hard to move forward when I feel like I don’t have any game plan and I’m confused about where my life is going. And I don’t know who I am. Or whether or not I like doing things. I’m still a little uncertain what God is asking me to do even. But I do know that his passion is redemption and he’s gonna make it all come together.