I don’t know if anyone else has this problem but I absolutely cannot spell the word “definitely.” Don’t ask me why. I just can’t ever type it without the red squiggles coming up.
Also, I don’t know if anyone else has this problem but I am not ready for anything ever. I am perpetually unprepared and mostly scattered. One of the biggest ways in which I have grown since being in Guatemala is that I have grown LESS scattered and more focused. I am more intentional and less flighty. However, that has nothing to do with being ready. And I am NOT ready.
A conversation I have had a lot since being back is about being ready for life. Being ready for marriage is a big one on a Bible school campus. Being ready for kids even. But even things as simple as being ready for adulthood, taxes, rent and money. Things I hate to even think about. I always beat myself up for not knowing what I am going to do with all these things once I encounter them because I know that I have no idea what to do with them. But for once in my life I feel like I can say that I am content with NOT being ready.
I definitely don’t think I know what I’m doing. But I think I’m doing it better than I was before.
That feels like a good place to be. God has given me peace about where I’m at and where I’m going and I think that’s kinda the coolest thing I’ve ever had…even thought I have no clue what I’m supposed to do with my life. Or my feelings. Or anything.
I just don’t feel like I’m messing everything up. And its NOT because I’ve gotten better at being a human being. Its because I think I’ve realized that its okay to TRUST God.
Never thought I’d say that. But it is. Friends, its okay to trust God with your short comings, with your failures, with the things you are not ready for…or are ready for. Its okay to not be sure, to wonder, to say, “I’m don’t know” and shrug your shoulders. He’s got this. God is so very much bigger than us and our “Readiness” So let’s let God deal with the preparation for our lives, and let’s trust Him to lead us through the days when we don’t know. And all of this with a grateful heart.
p.s. I have some changes coming for the blog! Look out! or look forward I guess…is the point I’m trying to make.