We didn’t even start school on a Monday. I was just hanging out on Monday. But Tuesday rolled around and I had to move back into college. After nearly 9 months away, I actually got to go back to the place I love: SCHOOL. Some of you are rolling your eyes and I get it: School is hard. But hard is so much better than boring. Or so I thought…until Friday.
Tuesday wasn’t so bad. I moved in really fast, my Dad made me laugh and I picked up my best friend from the airport with my other best friend. My teammates from Guatemala started to appear and we began to tell old jokes and give really long, knowing hugs. And just like when we were little kids, my sister made me laugh until I fell asleep.
But then came Wednesday. I got a syllabus which scared the crap out of me. I nearly had a panic attack trying to find myself among the huge (very small) campus. I ran back to my room after my classes and obligations and sat in my room all night.
That night I woke up at 4AM, shaking, sweating, heart-racing and dizzy, convinced I was going to be sick. I ran to the bathroom and fell asleep next to the toilet. When I woke up, I moved to the couch and missed my 8AM because I was terrified of barfing all over my theology class. I finally left the room, went to my next class and spent the rest of the day freaking out about nothing…because I HAVE ANXIETY and it freaks out on me sometimes. I went back to my apartment, which ended up being crowded and so I locked my self in my room and called my mom crying.
I finally made it to Friday with a better attitude and more homework. But it was still stressful somehow and I couldn’t wait to get home, wear leggings and binge eat chocolate: things I really try to avoid. I could feel my stress levels coming back this week: my bad habits are coming back to haunt me, I can’t sleep at night and I have weird dreams. I want to cry at everything even though I’m NOT hormonal, I’m scared of social interaction and I really don’t want to try and talk about Guatemala.
And on top of all the chaos and anxiety, I’m still trying to figure out who I am and how that’s gonna work being back at school. I’ve barely gotten back to real life and I don’t know anything about who I want or who I am.
I have so many questions and so many anxieties. Thank God tomorrow is Sunday and I can spend some uninterrupted time in His presence. I just want to know how to do the right thing without creating disequilibrium inside of myself. Is that too much to ask?
Is this how everyone feels trying to fit back into their own culture? Like a clumsy child trying to grow into herself?