This is hard to write because I don’t fully understand what’s all going on inside my heart right now. I’m really rather anxious. Partly because its so dark and cold and I have seasonal depression. Partly because I get bored and lonely sitting around with nothing to do. And partly because its so much easier to trust God when I’m not at home.
Being in Guatemala made certain things easy. It was easy to know exactly what I was going to do when I got out of bed in the morning and it was easy to choose right from wrong. Even when I messed up and made some really stupid cultural mistakes, it was easy to understand where I went wrong. But being here in the States sometimes I can’t see two feet in front of me. All of my old habits resurfaced, all of my old insecurities and fears reappeared and people were not very sensitive or understanding. So I made four dozen cookies, hugged my teddy and drank some hot chocolate.
Trusting God can seem so difficult when trusting people is so disappointing.
Coming home has made me realize how much of my life has changed. Not only since Guatemala, but since I was a child and believed my life was going to turn out a certain way. Now that I am older, and my friends and family are getting older too, I realize that my life is never going to look the way I wanted it to. This is not the first time I’ve realized this…a big part of my battle with anxiety last year was that I didn’t think life was worth living anymore. If nothing turned out the way I wanted it to, why should I go on living?
Even though I eventually worked through my discouragement and began to live again, I don’t think I ever truly dealt with how disappointed I was with the life God had given me. In Guatemala, I finally began to trust his goodness and believe that his purpose for my life was greater than anything I could imagine for myself. But then I came home and now I have to learn to trust him all over again. Even when I can’t trust my life or the people inside my life…
But my new and deepest desire is for hope. For so long my life was leading up to Guatemala. I have spent the entirety of 2015 thinking and planning for that trip. And now as I transition home I realize that so many things in my life have changed, mostly for the better, but that I still have such a hard time trusting God with my WHOLE heart. with my WHOLE life. I want to believe he has good things in store for me. Even when it feels like the world is against me…especially my anxiety.
Where do I go from here?