So in continuing my discussion of the Prodigal Son, I realized that I was learning so much through one simple devotion. Yikes. The Word is powerful apparently.
God spoke to me in way that I think could encourage some of you. As I stood outside the door, as my Father pleaded with me to come inside and celebrate with him, I refused to go in for two reasons: one of them is because I don’t trust God’s goodness. (I’ll discuss the other later 😉 )
So here I am, outside the house, pouting. I’m thinking about how my “brother” gets it all: the feast, the new clothes, MY dad’s love and I wonder:
Would He do the same thing for ME?
This is the question at the deepest part of my heart. “God, if I had run away from you…would you still welcome me with open arms? Am I has precious to you even though I’ve been here the whole time?”
Some people think its weird that I talk about how terrible I am all the time. I hear things like, “Oh please, Sarah. You’re a good girl. You DO actually care about what people think.” The reality is that I’m really really really trying to convince God (and usually other people close to me) that I REALLY need them to think I’m special enough for the feast, the new clothes and the party that the prodigal son always gets. I try so hard to be bad, so I can have the COMPLETE love of God.
Lately, I’ve really been struggling to trust God’s goodness. I’m so tempted to believe that because I have been a Christian forever, that I don’t get it as good as someone who has to find him. For example. I have ALWAYS believed that because I knew better, it was my responsibility to suffer for the Gospel. Because I was a “good Christian” it was my job to never get what I wanted, to achieve my dreams or pursue what I wanted. Christians give up everything, Christians were only in ministry, and Christians certainly didn’t have any other dreams than spreading the Gospel.
But I am so human. I have dreams and desires that I would secretly pursue under the table. I felt like if God wouldn’t give them to me, then I would never have them. But when you pursue you’re own desires behind your back, while trying to serve God, it doesn’t work very well. The idea is to trust God with your desires…but…but…its hard. Especially when you don’t trust him.
Its not that God doesn’t want to fulfill our desires my friends, but HE wants the privilege of giving gifts to his children. When we try to get those things for ourselves, we take away his pleasure in satisfying our deepest needs and wants with Himself.
I believe that if I had spent all of my Father’s money, he would still run to me with open arms. And I’m choosing to believe that God desires good things for ALL his children.
Even the one that is outside pouting. Even her. Even me.