Confessions of a Bad Missionary

Last night my roommate said to me, “I came to Guatemala so I could be a missionary. I didn’t really want to go to school.”

I wanted to shot myself.

Is that how I’m supposed to feel? Because I have no desire to be missionary. Haven’t for a while. My idea of serving God doesn’t have a lot to do with good intentions and wanting to travel the world. All of a sudden I thought to myself, “I have to go home. I have nothing in common with these people.”

Guys, I have no qualifications to be a classic missionary:

I don’t want to travel the world (I just want to stay in one place)

I don’t like reading the Bible

I am not a conservative

I’m not very nice to dumb people

I don’t give a crap about what people tell me to do

And although I love Jesus, I LOVE Jesus. I just wanna be with Him. Not peddle Him.

So this is the end of the road for me. I have decided to drop out of the program and go home to where I (sorta) fit in.

Just kidding. I impulsively cut my bangs, cried and went to bed.

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And when I woke up I realized that all these feelings made me more of a missionary than I originally thought.

When I first decided to go to Guatemala, I felt like it was a terrible idea. I remember standing in my room like, “HOLY CRAP. I am the WORST possible person to go overseas.” And it was that I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit speak to my heart: “Sarah, if you thought you could do this by yourself, I wouldn’t have called you.”

So my goal for week #4 is to live in that truth. God doesn’t call the ready, He calls the willing. I am willing.

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