coming home is always hard. I find that after any traveling of any sort I end up exhausted and a little disillusioned with real life. I now work three jobs, spend my free time cleaning and preparing for Guatemala and trying to see as many friends as possible before leaving for South America. but its so tiring.
this week my parents left the house for a romantic weekend. one brother is at summer camp. the other hates being indoors. my sister’s boyfriend decided to surprise her which is super cute and also means I never get to see her. people have to work and have lives. bu few things makes me anxious like being alone.
my comfort for the week is that my dog doesn’t like being alone either and she got scared yesterday and slept in my room. I love her for it.
one of the things this week is teaching me is how alone I feel despite the fact that I have very strong relationships with people. I don’t feel lonely. I know I am loved. I feel alone. and I think it would be a really good idea to maybe seek God to help me feel less alone.
I’ve come to rely on other people to carry my relationship with Christ. Though its true that as an extrovert I find God in my relationships with people before I find him anywhere else. and during my struggle with anxiety, the only solid ground I have found has been other people. when I don’t have faith for myself, they do. but as I recover and begin to find my own strength again, I realize that the only place I find God is in other people’s faith.
I want to find God even in the secret places I so desperately avoid when I’m anxious and alone. those are the places I believe he can find me as my most vulnerable self, the self that is so desperately lost without him. and even though that is such a painful place I have decided that as long as I’m alone, I will do my best to be in God’s presence, to let him change what he will, at the cost of feeling less alone. I think its a pretty good trade off.