a little note on: identity and a bad day

this is me feeling not very okay:

it is my, “I hate being at parties when my parents are involved. I wish I was better at being what they need” face. I thought it might be nice for everyone to see my face when I’m anxious. it looks pretty normal. but in my head, I’m terribly anxious about the impending family party. I’m the oldest, the most accomplished, I should know how to handle one party without falling a part.

oh no. forget that.

somewhere along the journey of becoming who I am now, I lost a part of my identity. my life no longer looks anything like what I want it to look like. people who meant the world to me are no longer a part of my world. dreams that I had don’t even look like dreams anymore. it has made me afraid of myself.

I’m afraid of loving, because it hurts. I’m afraid of parties because I get anxious. I’m afraid of making friends because they might be hurt by my anxiety. they might leave. and finally, I’m afraid of God because he let this all happen.

so I stand at the party, terrified of all the people who haven’t seen me since before my anxiety, receiving all these odd comments about who I am and who I’ve become. someone tells me that I am such a confident performer.

well yes. 50% of the time.

someone tells me he thought I would have been his best friend.

would have been? what did I do?

someone asks about a boyfriend.

there are many boys.

how am I supposed to be all these things to everyone?

Henri Nouwen said once:

Whenever you pray you profess that you are not God, nor want to be God, that you haven’t reached your goal yet, that  you will never reach it in this life, that you must constantly stretch out your hands and wait for the gift of life. This attitude is difficult because it makes you vulnerable.”

so I sit and wait for the gift of life now. perhaps it is a good thing that I now know I have nothing to offer. that I’m weak. that I live in fear.

God, bring me the gift of life. I need it so badly now.

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